Procrastination and Fear of Success - Getting over it so you can Move Forward!
Fear of Success is a confusing concept, but in general it refers to a situation where you want to achieve something but at some level are holding yourself back, usually because if you DO succeed at achieving your goal, it will likely set off a chain of related events – some that you really don’t want to deal with.
One example is that if you get a promotion, it will change your friendships with your peers, and they may be resentful or suspect your motives. Another example is finally getting that job but then having to deal with going to work every day and proving yourself to a group of new strangers.
The problem is that when you are experiencing fear of success, it’s not very logical or very clear. You often have no idea what you are avoiding or why. You may notice yourself procrastinating on the actions that will bring you success. You may even pick up on a pattern where your procrastination gets worse the closer you get to your goal.
The important thing to understand is that we all have fears related to change. Some of them are very real and make a lot of sense. Some are pretty illogical, but the fear is just as real. However, the real barrier to success is not fear; it’s lack of awareness.
I have a new strategy for dealing with my “fear of success”, and maybe it will be useful to you as well:
1. I have my goals written down, and my actions in a daily action list, so I can monitor how I’m doing.
2. As soon as I notice that I’m not doing what I promised myself, I ask myself why. Sometimes it’s just because the day got away from me and I’m tired. But sometimes I notice I’m avoiding the task.
3. I then think really hard of what I want to achieve and the tasks on my list to get there, and I notice how my body responds. If I have tingling in my stomach, butterflies, any type of anxiety, that’s my red flag. It tells me I’m afraid of something, and the fear is driving me into avoidance mode.
4. I then pay attention to my thoughts, I try to catch the words of the “What if” thought fragments that run through my mind. I ask myself – “what could go wrong, what could go right, what scares me about this?”
5. Even if no clear answer comes to me, I now have power. I know I’m holding myself back because of fear, so my job is to find another way. I either find another goal that is less scary, or I find different tasks that are less scary. The sooner I acknowledge that I’m afraid, the sooner I can face my fear, and the sooner I can come up with a better strategy.
6. If I get lucky, and I get clear answers to what I’m afraid of, I have even more power. Now I can think through the situation. I can acknowledge what I’m afraid of and talk myself through it. I might be able to take baby steps. Or I might realize I have a values conflict and I really don’t want to go after this particular goal. So then – what other options do I have?
The important key in this exercise is awareness. We often spend a lot of energy trying to understand why we have these various irrational fears, but I’m beginning to realize that no matter how developed a person is – there are always new “issues” to discover and work through within yourself – and we can’t put our lives on hold until everything is resolved.
I currently am working on a big project that will be terrific if I can pull it off, but it’s scary as well. I notice that if I bite off more than I can chew I begin to worry and get distracted. So I’ve committed to taking baby steps and facing my fears over and over. And to date, I’m pleased to report that I’ve made twice as much progress towards this goal than I have in the past.
I’ll keep you posted on my progress. Meanwhile, I’d love to hear your stories!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
People who Want too Much
One type of “draining” person is the one who wants too much from you. If you could avoid them, you would, but usually you can’t, because there is some level of obligation inherent in the relationship. Here are some examples:
1. The lonely older parent, who depends on your calls and visits to be as long as possible.
2. The dramatic friend, who needs your support through one crisis after another.
3. The needy subordinate, who constantly seeks validation and guidance.
4. The angry spouse, who is never satisfied with what you provide.
1. The lonely older parent, who depends on your calls and visits to be as long as possible.
2. The dramatic friend, who needs your support through one crisis after another.
3. The needy subordinate, who constantly seeks validation and guidance.
4. The angry spouse, who is never satisfied with what you provide.
The key challenge in this type of relationship is that you are committed to it personally, but all too frequently when you engage it feels like it is sucking the life out of you and inside you want to scream or run away. Here are some tips to help you put a stop on the drain and bring some joy back into the interactions.
1.The first thing you need is to protect yourself by knowing your own boundaries.
Ask yourself which behaviors have the most negative impact on you. Is it the long pause and sigh when you suggest that you need to get going? Is it the nervous hovering near your desk without saying anything? Is it the indignant “fine” when you hesitate at a suggestion to do something together? Make a list, and ask yourself, “if these behaviors were eliminated would the relationship be easier"? Try to get a complete list.
2.Understand that the person is behaving this way because they have an unmet need, but your first inclination, which is to do your best to help them out and meet it, actually does NOT help the situation – it makes it worse.
In fact, the more you try to meet the need, the worse the situation will get. You may have experienced even more of a “pull” from the person after a day when you have put an especially large amount of energy into them in hopes that you would get a break for a few days.
3.Not being the sole “source” of meeting their need, does not mean you can’t help them, however.
There are two goals here: one is to help them become aware of their need, and two is to help them find other ways to get the need met – ways that don’t involve you. As soon as they see that they can get the need met, and in places other than through you, the pull and drain you feel from them should diminish.
4.When the person begins to exhibit the draining behavior, ask, “what do you need right now?” or “what do you need from me?” You need to stay neutral in your tone of voice and know in your mind that this is not about you, however accusingly they phrase their answer.
The key problem here is that they are stuck thinking the only person they can get the need met from is you, and they need way more than you can give. They will focus their answer on you, but if you say neutral you can reflect back to them, “so it sounds like you need attention, validation, love, support” (whatever you can pick up from what they are saying). This helps achieve the first goal, so that they become aware of what they need.
5.Say something like, “I care about you, and I can provide you with some attention, (validation, support, whatever), but I will never be able to provide you with ALL that you need. Where else can you get this?”
In this sentence, no matter how they respond to you, they will begin to “get” that they cannot get their need met solely from you. Their brain will immediately begin to look for more sources of getting the need met outside of you. You can help with suggestions as long as the conversation is going well.
All relationships are different, and this “need” thing tends to be behind most of the awkward, uncomfortable, and “reactive” moments in all interactions. So have patience, and keep trying. Overall hold onto a vision of what could be:
1.When the older parent is able to connect with peers and other companions, the focus on you becomes less intense, and then you are able to connect even stronger when you visit because you don’t feel as much drain.
2.When your friend has other people to be dramatic with, you may find that your time together is more fun and real, allowing you to get more out of the relationship as well.
3.When your subordinate begins to validate him or herself, you have the opportunity to build a stronger mentoring relationship without resenting it.
4.When your spouse lets go of needing you to be perfect, you become more perfect to them as you are
Although it is never easy to have difficult conversations, the most important things for you to remember from this article are these:
1.You can never be “the one” to completely meet someone else’s emotional needs; as long as you try, you will feel drained in the relationship.
2.Everyone in this world has to become aware of his or her own needs, and take responsibility for getting them met. Part of this is to be open to receiving the need from many different sources and to actively give it to ourselves. (more on this later)
3.You can make a relationship less draining by helping the person become aware of his or her needs, and begin to think of ways to get the need met that don’t involve you.
Good luck – and if you have questions or requests for more – feel free to ask, and I may develop my answer into the next entry here.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Five ways to Deal with Draining People
Some people drain you, and even if you care about them, it’s difficult to stay focused and productive when you spend too much time with them. Here are a few tips you can use to set boundaries without being hurtful:
1. Get clear on what behaviors they exhibit that drain you. (It may turn out that when you think about it, it’s only when they start gossiping or complaining that you feel the life sucked out of you)
2. Develop a vision for what an ideal relationship with this person would look like to you. (If you had your way would you never talk with them, would you only talk to them for a short time each day?)
3. Identify what behaviors they exhibit that line up with the vision. (Perhaps they are a good listener sometimes, or they entertain you or enlighten you on their good days)
4. "Train” them by reinforcing the positive behaviors. You can do this in many ways, including telling them how much you appreciate it when they do X, focusing on them and paying avid attention when they do X, or simply enjoying being with them during these times.
5. “Train” them by NOT reinforcing the negative behaviors. When they slip into the behaviors that drain you, you can disengage directly or indirectly. If you are comfortable being direct, you can say, “I really don’t feel comfortable when you do this and I’d rather stop this conversation now and talk again some other time”. If you are in a situation where it is difficult to be direct, you can still disengage by not listening, excusing yourself, changing the subject, or simply not responding. The important thing is to not “slip” into unintentionally reinforcing the behavior because you feel obligated to argue, defend, listen, or whatever. These responses from you usually fuel more of the behavior.
6. BONUS: Understand that when people exhibit draining behavior, they are usually experiencing an “unmet need” and they aren’t aware of it. They just feel “compelled” to behave the way they are behaving. They may know at some level that the behavior isn’t appropriate, but in the moment it seems like the only way to feel better. You can ask, “What do you need in this situation?” which will prompt them to think about what they need, and this may shift their awareness and their behavior. It is not your responsibility to try to meet the person’s need – in fact that will just defeat the purpose and probably encourage more of the draining behavior in the future. Just being a mirror and helping someone be more aware of their own needs empowers them.
Tune in next time for some specific examples – like how to deal with the mother who expects you to call her every day, or the boss who micromanages you, or the person at the office who never does his work quite right….
1. Get clear on what behaviors they exhibit that drain you. (It may turn out that when you think about it, it’s only when they start gossiping or complaining that you feel the life sucked out of you)
2. Develop a vision for what an ideal relationship with this person would look like to you. (If you had your way would you never talk with them, would you only talk to them for a short time each day?)
3. Identify what behaviors they exhibit that line up with the vision. (Perhaps they are a good listener sometimes, or they entertain you or enlighten you on their good days)
4. "Train” them by reinforcing the positive behaviors. You can do this in many ways, including telling them how much you appreciate it when they do X, focusing on them and paying avid attention when they do X, or simply enjoying being with them during these times.
5. “Train” them by NOT reinforcing the negative behaviors. When they slip into the behaviors that drain you, you can disengage directly or indirectly. If you are comfortable being direct, you can say, “I really don’t feel comfortable when you do this and I’d rather stop this conversation now and talk again some other time”. If you are in a situation where it is difficult to be direct, you can still disengage by not listening, excusing yourself, changing the subject, or simply not responding. The important thing is to not “slip” into unintentionally reinforcing the behavior because you feel obligated to argue, defend, listen, or whatever. These responses from you usually fuel more of the behavior.
6. BONUS: Understand that when people exhibit draining behavior, they are usually experiencing an “unmet need” and they aren’t aware of it. They just feel “compelled” to behave the way they are behaving. They may know at some level that the behavior isn’t appropriate, but in the moment it seems like the only way to feel better. You can ask, “What do you need in this situation?” which will prompt them to think about what they need, and this may shift their awareness and their behavior. It is not your responsibility to try to meet the person’s need – in fact that will just defeat the purpose and probably encourage more of the draining behavior in the future. Just being a mirror and helping someone be more aware of their own needs empowers them.
Tune in next time for some specific examples – like how to deal with the mother who expects you to call her every day, or the boss who micromanages you, or the person at the office who never does his work quite right….
Monday, April 18, 2011
Procrastination Tips - Managing Your Energy
Sometimes, we procrastinate because we don’t have any energy left to act. Your energy comes and goes, sometimes in cycles, sometimes because of what is going on in your environment, sometimes because of what is going on inside your body or your mind. One of the most powerful ways to get to your next level is to become more aware of your energy cycles and leverage them. Here are two important energy management tips …
1. Go with it. I used to worry that if I allowed myself to take a nap several days in a row it would turn into an awful habit. What I have found is that if I notice myself feeling tired and sluggish, and I honor those feelings by resting, I usually feel great within a few hours or a few days. It doesn’t have to be a nap, but I can use “intentional procrastination” and put a bunch of things on the back burner for three days and go to bed early, or I might just go outside and sit in the sun on my lunch break or take a walk. When I provide myself with the rest I need, I quickly get my focus back and the desire to rest disappears. On the other hand, when I try to fight the desire to rest and “push through it”, I find that I am “pushing” and struggling with that sluggishness for a much longer time. In fact sometimes it’s gone on for months in a row when I haven’t dealt with it.
2. Notice what drains you and what energizes you. Everything that you interact with either drains you or energizes you to some extent. Different people affect you differently, different activities affect you differently, even the type and amount of food you eat will make a difference. Sometimes I have clients “score” activities, people, and events on a scale to identify whether something drains them or energizes them and how much. In this case, knowledge is power. If you know what drains you and what energizes you, you can find a way to get energy back by blocking out the things that drain you, and spending more time immersed in what energizes you. Of course, you may not be able to avoid what drains you forever, but you’ll always do better coming at it with tons of energy reserves available.
Tune in next time for additional tips on how to deal with specific drainers – like those draining people and activities you can’t avoid forever… Until then – pay attention, and see what you can learn about your energy cycles.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Ultimate Confidence - You are Not your Situation
So, I have a confession to make. I just "got" this.
I thought I knew this concept and understood that “you” are not “your situation”. But today, I realized that I still judge myself based on what I have or have not accomplished, what I do and do not do each day – which in my mind results in my situation. So, when my situation is below my standards or expectations, I judge myself as “being” below my standards and expectations.
I often tell my clients they are not their situation – as it’s much easier to see the wonderful people they are as separate from the often challenging and sometimes humiliating situations they find themselves in. But me – well – we are always hardest on ourselves. And when I step on the scale, or notice an unkept area in my house, or see a pathetic bank account balance, I tell myself I should be doing better and that I am not good enough yet.
Today, I decided to practice with the success mindset, “pretending” that I am exactly fine as I am. But then I realized that I usually approach this task by pretending that I have a different situation. That I have accomplished more than I really have in life. I pretend that I’m thinner and more in shape with a bigger bank account living in a fancier house with beautiful landscaping. For some reason THIS is what I think affirmations are – seeing the potential and imagining it as real today. But if you are not your situation, then why would you have to pretend that your situation is different in order to feel better about yourself?
One problem with this is that if my situation were different, I would make different decisions. If my landscaping was beautiful, for example, I probably wouldn’t choose to go out and do yard work. If my bank account were bigger, then I might choose to purchase something I really shouldn’t purchase now. If I were more in shape, I would be used to exercising at a higher level, and I might have different conflicts about food.
SO, I thought, OK, OK, to make this easier, I will pretend that my current weight IS perfect, that everything I have accomplished to date is AMAZING and I am absolutely where I should be in all areas of my life.
Pretending that was really interesting. And really different. And really powerful. I thought, “Oh so THIS is what 100% self-acceptance feels like!!”
We say all the time that we need to love ourselves before we can truly love others, that we need to accept ourselves 100% in order to be our best. And I think most of us accept this concept intellectually – but I’m curious how many others aren’t actually living it?
If I’m honest I can’t say that I truly live it either – because it’s not easy to stop judging yourself. But today I got a glimpse - a sense of what it feels like. And NOW after that little taste, I’m committed to practicing this mindset until it’s natural.
I will keep you posted on my progress with it – and I would love to hear your experiences as well!!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
From Time Management to Energy Management
People like to talk a lot about ROI: if I invest this much money in a project, how much will I get back? Sometimes they think of ROI in terms of time invested. If I put this much time into an activity, what will I get back, and what is worth my time?
What I haven’t heard as often is the concept of ROE, or Return on Energy. I started using this with my business owner clients several years ago as it became obvious that different activities that take the same amount of time can take very different amounts of energy, and have very different outcomes.
If you are doing something you enjoy, you can often spend hours on it, even get lost in it, and afterwards feel relaxed, rejuvenated, and even more energetic than you felt going into it. On the other hand, if you are doing something you dread, you can be completely drained after 10-20 minutes. You also might procrastinate or worry about these activities even when you aren’t doing them, which drains you even more.
One of the most powerful tools we will be using in May – our “Time and Energy Management” month, is the return on energy tool, which allows you to assign an ROE score to all your activities, and then sort them based on which activities you should capitalize on, which you should systemize, and which you should delegate or delete if at all possible.
If you’d like to try this on your own – a simple way is to make a list of everything you have to do to achieve a certain end – whether that is grow your business, have a spotless house, achieve a weight loss goal, or anything else. For each of those activities, start by asking yourself, “if I do this activity well, how far will it take me towards achieving my goal?” Then, ask, “how much does this activity energize or drain me?”
What you’ll notice is that some activities, like making cold calls, may get you to your goal, but may drain you so much they aren’t worth it. While other activities, like e-mail follow up, may not get you as far, but since you could do it all day, you may actually get more out of it.
Same with weight loss. It may be that sticking to a particular diet will get you to your weight loss goal in a few weeks. But it takes every ounce of willpower for you to stick to the diet and you rarely make it past the first few days. On the other hand, eating several small meals each day, and allowing yourself one indulgence each day, might not get you to your goal weight for a few months – but it’s something you can stick to – and several days will go by without you even noticing that you were on a diet. In this case – the second option will likely give you a better “return” on the energy you invest.
Sometimes this concept isn’t easy to get at first, but feel free to contact me with any questions, or be sure to attend one of our May Aspyrre Community events to learn more!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
When you want something TOO much
A few years ago, I was talking to a prospective new client, let’s call her Janelle. We were talking about discovering work she loved, and going through the steps of career transition. During our conversation, I heard her say, “Oh…if this doesn’t work, if I can’t find that one thing I’m passionate about – I think I’ll just die!”
That was my red flag. It told me, unfortunately, that she was TOO attached to finding her passion. SO attached that she was almost guaranteeing that it would never happen. She was sad and lost, and miserable in her work. Somehow she had decided that if she could find “her passion” then that would solve all her problems. She had decided that “finding her passion” was the magic cure, the only cure, and the only path to feeling good again. I knew right then that there was almost nothing I could do with her as a coach unless I could help her detach from “needing” this outcome so desperately – and an emotion that powerful isn’t something that detaches easily.
It’s the desperation that does it. Remember the last time you were desperate in a relationship? The other person was probably running the other way, right? The same thing happens when we are desperate for a job, desperate to lose weight, desperate to make millions, desperate for our kids to get straight A’s, desperate for anything to happen a certain way. Usually it doesn’t happen the way we hoped and dreamed it would – ever. In fact, the few times we are able, against all odds, to obtain what we so desperately want, we are in for a rude shock- the thrill lasts only a few minutes and then we are back in our slump again. We find out sadly that it didn’t change anything.
The only solution is to stop being desperate. But if you’ve ever been in this situation, you probably know, that you can tell yourself to stop being so desperate – and it doesn’t do a darn thing.
This month in the Aspyrre Community, we will be addressing this issue of getting overly attached to an outcome, and provide a step by step process you can use to help detach so you can more effectively achieve your goal. I will be running both an in person workshop and a telephone class with a workbook for those who are not in the immediate area. For more information on these classes, you can go to the aspyrre website at: http://www.aspyrre.com/ and look at our "Upcoming Events" in the center of the home page.
This over attachment cycle is something that can truly drive one mad, and if you can relate, please join us in these enlightening and productive events that give you tangible tools - and some control back.
Monday, March 28, 2011
The Power of Vision
Several years ago, I bought a book called “Think Yourself Thin”. The premise was that all you had to do to lose weight is have a very clear picture of yourself as a thin person in your head and think about it every single night. The author used this method of consistent imagery to lose weight herself and then wrote a book about it.
The concept that she uses of visualizing success is a very powerful tool. It is used by Olympic athletes, professional sales people, and others who want to get to a new level of performance. The most powerful “visions” of success not only provide you with a clear picture of what success looks like, they also evoke strong positive emotions. In this way they channel both your mental and emotional energy towards your goal.
You provide your mind with a clear picture as a place to focus. This triggers your “selective perception,” and you begin to notice information that is relevant to achieving your goal. You may not have noticed this information before, just because your brain didn’t see it as relevant.
Do you have a clear vision of what success will look like once you’ve achieved your BIG goal? If not, spend some time today – even 15 minutes, writing it down. And then spend a few minutes tonight before you fall asleep thinking about it. See if you can do this on a daily basis for a few weeks and monitor what new ideas you get and what new possibilities show up for you.
Friday, March 25, 2011
What to do when Nothing is Working
The most frustrating part of working towards a goal are those times when you are trying and trying and trying and not moving anywhere. This can be a scary time because you can lose hope, get exasperated, or wonder seriously if you should give up.
When you find yourself in this situation, you have to both be harder on yourself and kinder to yourself. It sounds contradictory, but what they have in common is awareness.
You have to be harder on yourself:
1. So that you can be really honest about where you have been spending your time. You may be doing things that are comfortable and can easily be rationalized as necessary, but are not the critical actions that will move you toward your goal. Usually I find business owners wrapped up in building a website, handling operations and customer service activities and avoiding sales. Those in job transition are combing the internet for job openings, re-doing their resume, and attending networking events with other job-seekers, but they are not out there finding and introducing themselves to the hiring managers at their target companies.
2. So that you can be really honest with yourself about how consistent you have been over time. I run into people who complain because they haven’t lost weight after one week of following a diet, and have forgotten that for the prior three weeks they were consuming twice as many calories.
You have to be kinder to yourself:
1. Because it takes a lot of energy to make a change and in the beginning you will be drained by everything you put towards your goal. You might not get as much done as you hoped, but if you “re-sort” your priorities and make sure you are addressing your number one priority for at least a small portion of each day, it will get easier, and in a few weeks you should see some progress.
2. Because you are learning and becoming more effective. Every time you shine a light on yourself and observe your own behavior honestly, you gain more personal power. You are no longer a victim to what “happens to you” in the world, because you are discovering how you influence what happens to you, and you are making adjustments.
Keep it up, don’t give up – and if you leave a comment or question, I’ll respond!
When you find yourself in this situation, you have to both be harder on yourself and kinder to yourself. It sounds contradictory, but what they have in common is awareness.
You have to be harder on yourself:
1. So that you can be really honest about where you have been spending your time. You may be doing things that are comfortable and can easily be rationalized as necessary, but are not the critical actions that will move you toward your goal. Usually I find business owners wrapped up in building a website, handling operations and customer service activities and avoiding sales. Those in job transition are combing the internet for job openings, re-doing their resume, and attending networking events with other job-seekers, but they are not out there finding and introducing themselves to the hiring managers at their target companies.
2. So that you can be really honest with yourself about how consistent you have been over time. I run into people who complain because they haven’t lost weight after one week of following a diet, and have forgotten that for the prior three weeks they were consuming twice as many calories.
You have to be kinder to yourself:
1. Because it takes a lot of energy to make a change and in the beginning you will be drained by everything you put towards your goal. You might not get as much done as you hoped, but if you “re-sort” your priorities and make sure you are addressing your number one priority for at least a small portion of each day, it will get easier, and in a few weeks you should see some progress.
2. Because you are learning and becoming more effective. Every time you shine a light on yourself and observe your own behavior honestly, you gain more personal power. You are no longer a victim to what “happens to you” in the world, because you are discovering how you influence what happens to you, and you are making adjustments.
Keep it up, don’t give up – and if you leave a comment or question, I’ll respond!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Dealing with Fear... OK, Panic!
One of my friends shared a model with me called the PEP, or Panic-Elation-Panic cycle several years ago. If anyone knows who to attribute this to so we can thank them, please share, because I have used it often over the years – almost all of my clients going through big changes have been able to relate to it, and it helped them calm down and move forward when they started panicking. Here’s how it goes:
Panic: I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m crazy! I’m never going to be able to make this work. What was I thinking?
Elation: But OMG I’m DOING this! I’m going after my dream – I’m MAKING it happen – this is SO amazing – and if it works just IMAGINE what life will be like!
Panic: I’m crazy! There’s no way I can do this. What was I thinking?!? I’m not going to be able to make this happen, I’m going to lose everything, and take my family down with me – what was I thinking, (insert your own explicative)!!!
The entire cycle can be experienced in a matter of one or two minutes – it’s that fast, and it feels like you are on an emotional rollercoaster.
The good news: You’re not crazy. Anyone who has the courage to make a BIG change, like starting a new business, changing careers, or anything else that forces you to push outside of your comfort zone will experience the cycle.
The bad news: Fasten your seatbelt – it’s not going away anytime soon.
This is because you simply don’t know what will happen. You don’t have any guarantees. Even if you work really hard you might not succeed. So of course fear is normal.
One of my favorite books about fear is by Susan Jeffers: Fear the Fear and Do it Anyway. I read it ten years ago and there are two key concepts I still remember and use today:
1. The thinking process that drives fear is generally some version of : “If X happens, I won’t be able to handle it” So the anecdote is to force yourself to face the fear and ask yourself, “If X happens, how will I handle it?” What this gives you back is a sense of control and competence. You may not WANT X to happen, but if you have a plan you have some control back, and that lowers the fear.
2. You can’t make a wrong decision. Some people are afraid if they decide to move forward and then end up failing it will be the “wrong decision”. So they don’t move forward since it’s impossible to really know if you will fail or succeed. Susan has a great model in her book that shows how every decision you make can have a positive outcome. For example, if you decide to try starting a business and two years later you find that you’ve lost your money and have to go and get a “real” job, you most likely will still have gained learning, skills, and character – and these traits come with you, whatever you do next.
Fear is a big part of change, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing, and there are ways to manage it. If you’ve been thinking of making a BIG change in your life, don’t let fear hold you back. Bring it up, look at it straight on, and ask yourself, “How will I handle it?”
Panic: I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m crazy! I’m never going to be able to make this work. What was I thinking?
Elation: But OMG I’m DOING this! I’m going after my dream – I’m MAKING it happen – this is SO amazing – and if it works just IMAGINE what life will be like!
Panic: I’m crazy! There’s no way I can do this. What was I thinking?!? I’m not going to be able to make this happen, I’m going to lose everything, and take my family down with me – what was I thinking, (insert your own explicative)!!!
The entire cycle can be experienced in a matter of one or two minutes – it’s that fast, and it feels like you are on an emotional rollercoaster.
The good news: You’re not crazy. Anyone who has the courage to make a BIG change, like starting a new business, changing careers, or anything else that forces you to push outside of your comfort zone will experience the cycle.
The bad news: Fasten your seatbelt – it’s not going away anytime soon.
This is because you simply don’t know what will happen. You don’t have any guarantees. Even if you work really hard you might not succeed. So of course fear is normal.
One of my favorite books about fear is by Susan Jeffers: Fear the Fear and Do it Anyway. I read it ten years ago and there are two key concepts I still remember and use today:
1. The thinking process that drives fear is generally some version of : “If X happens, I won’t be able to handle it” So the anecdote is to force yourself to face the fear and ask yourself, “If X happens, how will I handle it?” What this gives you back is a sense of control and competence. You may not WANT X to happen, but if you have a plan you have some control back, and that lowers the fear.
2. You can’t make a wrong decision. Some people are afraid if they decide to move forward and then end up failing it will be the “wrong decision”. So they don’t move forward since it’s impossible to really know if you will fail or succeed. Susan has a great model in her book that shows how every decision you make can have a positive outcome. For example, if you decide to try starting a business and two years later you find that you’ve lost your money and have to go and get a “real” job, you most likely will still have gained learning, skills, and character – and these traits come with you, whatever you do next.
Fear is a big part of change, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing, and there are ways to manage it. If you’ve been thinking of making a BIG change in your life, don’t let fear hold you back. Bring it up, look at it straight on, and ask yourself, “How will I handle it?”
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Resistance to Change
At some point, fairly soon after you start chasing your BIG goal, you will notice that things are not going as easily as you had hoped. You are encountering resistance to change, both from the inside and the outside.
Maybe you have a hard day and fall back into old habits that have helped you decompress in the past.
Or something major happens that throws everything off - like a vacation, friends coming into town, a deadline at work, or even you getting sick. You get distracted and when you come up for air you realize you've put your BIG goal on the back burner.
The important thing to understand is that the resistance itself is completely normal. What makes a difference is not how much resistance you run up against, but what you choose to do about it.
Most people react like this:
1. Notice the resistance
2. Get mad or down on themselves
3. Try to push through it
4. Give up
5. Push things out of their mind for a long period of time before "giving it another go"
This doesn't work very well, simply because the time period between bursts of effort is so long and the bursts of effort themselves are comparably short.
A better way to handle resistance:
1. Notice the resistance
2. Remind yourself that it is normal and refuse to get down on yourself, even if you are not taking action
3. Pay close attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors around the resistance - you may even want to jot them down in a journal
4. See if you notice an inner conflict, negative self talk, or some other pattern
5. Acknowledge what is standing in your way, and see if you can negotiate a deal with yourself so that you are still doing something - even if it isn't as much as what you'd originally hoped.
Awareness is the key here. Most resistance to change comes from three sources:
(1) you run out of energy because you have too much going on in your life
(2) the actions you've set for yourself push you outside of your comfort zone - they make you feel awkward or embarrassed, so you avoid them.
(3) you are missing something that you need to move forward, such as clarity, belief in yourself, important information, etc.
Paying attention to your resistance and being nice to yourself about it will get your brain going. You may discover what you are missing; you may figure out how to make the action steps less awkward; you might discover something you can do in 10 - 15 minutes each day even if you are tired. And, you can keep reminding yourself of what made your BIG goal exciting in the first place.
This is where having a support system can make a HUGE positive difference. A coach, a success team, even one buddy can help you stay on track and focused. If you don't have a support system, and you are going after a big goal, I'd like to invite you to think about the Aspyrre Community as an option.
Meanwhile - don't give up! Getting through periods of resistance is the number one thing that makes a difference between ongoing cycles of failure and long term success. You can do this!
Maybe you have a hard day and fall back into old habits that have helped you decompress in the past.
Or something major happens that throws everything off - like a vacation, friends coming into town, a deadline at work, or even you getting sick. You get distracted and when you come up for air you realize you've put your BIG goal on the back burner.
The important thing to understand is that the resistance itself is completely normal. What makes a difference is not how much resistance you run up against, but what you choose to do about it.
Most people react like this:
1. Notice the resistance
2. Get mad or down on themselves
3. Try to push through it
4. Give up
5. Push things out of their mind for a long period of time before "giving it another go"
This doesn't work very well, simply because the time period between bursts of effort is so long and the bursts of effort themselves are comparably short.
A better way to handle resistance:
1. Notice the resistance
2. Remind yourself that it is normal and refuse to get down on yourself, even if you are not taking action
3. Pay close attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors around the resistance - you may even want to jot them down in a journal
4. See if you notice an inner conflict, negative self talk, or some other pattern
5. Acknowledge what is standing in your way, and see if you can negotiate a deal with yourself so that you are still doing something - even if it isn't as much as what you'd originally hoped.
Awareness is the key here. Most resistance to change comes from three sources:
(1) you run out of energy because you have too much going on in your life
(2) the actions you've set for yourself push you outside of your comfort zone - they make you feel awkward or embarrassed, so you avoid them.
(3) you are missing something that you need to move forward, such as clarity, belief in yourself, important information, etc.
Paying attention to your resistance and being nice to yourself about it will get your brain going. You may discover what you are missing; you may figure out how to make the action steps less awkward; you might discover something you can do in 10 - 15 minutes each day even if you are tired. And, you can keep reminding yourself of what made your BIG goal exciting in the first place.
This is where having a support system can make a HUGE positive difference. A coach, a success team, even one buddy can help you stay on track and focused. If you don't have a support system, and you are going after a big goal, I'd like to invite you to think about the Aspyrre Community as an option.
Meanwhile - don't give up! Getting through periods of resistance is the number one thing that makes a difference between ongoing cycles of failure and long term success. You can do this!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Daily Actions
Today I pulled out my list of daily actions. A daily actions check list is one of those super simple but very powerful tools - kind of like a to-do list. It's not the tool itself that is so amazing - it's how you use it. Some people are overwhelmed by their To Do lists, and those same people might get overwhelmed with a Daily Actions list, but here are some secrets to making the most of the tool:
1. Think of a set of small actions that, if done on a daily basis for a period of several months (or forever) will almost surely lead to success in achieving your goal. For example, you might have a set of 6 "rules" for eating, that if followed on a daily basis, will almost surely get you to your ideal weight.
2. The Daily Actions list builds on the power of habit building. Once a habit is established, it's harder to NOT do it than do it. So if you build habits that naturally move you towards your BIG goals, you end up achieving more with less effort.
3. It will always take a lot of energy to do something before it becomes a habit, so while you are building a new habit, you will have a better chance of success with steps that drain your energy as little as possible. That means your daily actions should not take very long to do, and they should be pretty easy. Think in terms of "baby steps".
4. Building on the baby steps concept, habits are built through frequency and consistency, so whenever you can break something down into smaller, more frequent steps, you will have better success. One example is with exercise. Instead of doing 1 hour three times per week, you may get farther doing (3) 10 minute routines each day.
5. It's better to have fewer daily actions that too many. Keep in mind you can always add more later, once the habit is built. So if you pick 10 or fewer actions to do on a daily basis, and then you do them consistently for 1-2 months, pretty soon they will be so automatic that you will not have to think about them anymore. Then, if you like the daily actions tool, you can replace those actions with new actions and new habits.
My daily actions list has about 15 items on it. I have been using this list since November, and many of the actions are easy habits by now, but others I have struggled with. The ones I struggle with tend to take more time (like walking the dog for two miles - 40 minutes), or tend to occur in the afternoon or evening when I've crossed over into a reactive state, and am out of energy and not thinking as clearly.
But the daily actions list has become somewhat of a habit for me, and it has served me well. The good thing about good habits is that you tend to always "fall" back into them. And so, after a four day hiatus, I have pulled up my list of 15 items, and little by little am checking them off.
What daily habits could you create that would help you achieve your BIG goal?
1. Think of a set of small actions that, if done on a daily basis for a period of several months (or forever) will almost surely lead to success in achieving your goal. For example, you might have a set of 6 "rules" for eating, that if followed on a daily basis, will almost surely get you to your ideal weight.
2. The Daily Actions list builds on the power of habit building. Once a habit is established, it's harder to NOT do it than do it. So if you build habits that naturally move you towards your BIG goals, you end up achieving more with less effort.
3. It will always take a lot of energy to do something before it becomes a habit, so while you are building a new habit, you will have a better chance of success with steps that drain your energy as little as possible. That means your daily actions should not take very long to do, and they should be pretty easy. Think in terms of "baby steps".
4. Building on the baby steps concept, habits are built through frequency and consistency, so whenever you can break something down into smaller, more frequent steps, you will have better success. One example is with exercise. Instead of doing 1 hour three times per week, you may get farther doing (3) 10 minute routines each day.
5. It's better to have fewer daily actions that too many. Keep in mind you can always add more later, once the habit is built. So if you pick 10 or fewer actions to do on a daily basis, and then you do them consistently for 1-2 months, pretty soon they will be so automatic that you will not have to think about them anymore. Then, if you like the daily actions tool, you can replace those actions with new actions and new habits.
My daily actions list has about 15 items on it. I have been using this list since November, and many of the actions are easy habits by now, but others I have struggled with. The ones I struggle with tend to take more time (like walking the dog for two miles - 40 minutes), or tend to occur in the afternoon or evening when I've crossed over into a reactive state, and am out of energy and not thinking as clearly.
But the daily actions list has become somewhat of a habit for me, and it has served me well. The good thing about good habits is that you tend to always "fall" back into them. And so, after a four day hiatus, I have pulled up my list of 15 items, and little by little am checking them off.
What daily habits could you create that would help you achieve your BIG goal?
Monday, March 21, 2011
Where could you be with six months of focus?
I'm always asking myself this question. I think it's important because it keeps you proactive. It also makes you painfully aware when the answer keeps repeating itself, that you are NOT moving forward in your life the way you want to be. But that awareness, in itself, can move you forward. So, let's start this blog by asking the question.
As a coach, I have to "practice what I preach", and so I'm always working on some goal or another. My current big "six months of focus" goal is to grow one cool program in my business called the Aspyrre Community. I also have other goals I'm working on, related to exercise, eating right, being a good parent, wife and friend, getting organized, etc. But these goals are more basic in that I know what it takes and it's just a matter of consistency. With my BIG goal I have to push out of my comfort zone, so it requires focus and energy. I don't know how successful I'll be - because BIG goals are always risky.
But one thing I do know is that it's worth the push. When I imagine what this program could look like after six months of solid focus on my part, I get really excited. I will keep you posted on my progress towards my big goal - AND I would like to hear yours as well.
If you could have something be really different in your life after six months, what would it be? If you focused on it for six months, how far might you get?
What would be really exciting?
Think about it - and feel free to share what comes up for you!
As a coach, I have to "practice what I preach", and so I'm always working on some goal or another. My current big "six months of focus" goal is to grow one cool program in my business called the Aspyrre Community. I also have other goals I'm working on, related to exercise, eating right, being a good parent, wife and friend, getting organized, etc. But these goals are more basic in that I know what it takes and it's just a matter of consistency. With my BIG goal I have to push out of my comfort zone, so it requires focus and energy. I don't know how successful I'll be - because BIG goals are always risky.
But one thing I do know is that it's worth the push. When I imagine what this program could look like after six months of solid focus on my part, I get really excited. I will keep you posted on my progress towards my big goal - AND I would like to hear yours as well.
If you could have something be really different in your life after six months, what would it be? If you focused on it for six months, how far might you get?
What would be really exciting?
Think about it - and feel free to share what comes up for you!
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