Five ways to Deal with Draining People

Some people drain you, and even if you care about them, it’s difficult to stay focused and productive when you spend too much time with them. Here are a few tips you can use to set boundaries without being hurtful:

1. Get clear on what behaviors they exhibit that drain you. (It may turn out that when you think about it, it’s only when they start gossiping or complaining that you feel the life sucked out of you)

2. Develop a vision for what an ideal relationship with this person would look like to you. (If you had your way would you never talk with them, would you only talk to them for a short time each day?)

3. Identify what behaviors they exhibit that line up with the vision. (Perhaps they are a good listener sometimes, or they entertain you or enlighten you on their good days)

4. "Train” them by reinforcing the positive behaviors. You can do this in many ways, including telling them how much you appreciate it when they do X, focusing on them and paying avid attention when they do X, or simply enjoying being with them during these times.

5. “Train” them by NOT reinforcing the negative behaviors. When they slip into the behaviors that drain you, you can disengage directly or indirectly. If you are comfortable being direct, you can say, “I really don’t feel comfortable when you do this and I’d rather stop this conversation now and talk again some other time”. If you are in a situation where it is difficult to be direct, you can still disengage by not listening, excusing yourself, changing the subject, or simply not responding. The important thing is to not “slip” into unintentionally reinforcing the behavior because you feel obligated to argue, defend, listen, or whatever. These responses from you usually fuel more of the behavior.

6. BONUS: Understand that when people exhibit draining behavior, they are usually experiencing an “unmet need” and they aren’t aware of it. They just feel “compelled” to behave the way they are behaving. They may know at some level that the behavior isn’t appropriate, but in the moment it seems like the only way to feel better. You can ask, “What do you need in this situation?” which will prompt them to think about what they need, and this may shift their awareness and their behavior. It is not your responsibility to try to meet the person’s need – in fact that will just defeat the purpose and probably encourage more of the draining behavior in the future. Just being a mirror and helping someone be more aware of their own needs empowers them.

Tune in next time for some specific examples – like how to deal with the mother who expects you to call her every day, or the boss who micromanages you, or the person at the office who never does his work quite right….