People who Want too Much

One type of “draining” person is the one who wants too much from you. If you could avoid them, you would, but usually you can’t, because there is some level of obligation inherent in the relationship. Here are some examples:

1. The lonely older parent, who depends on your calls and visits to be as long as possible.
2. The dramatic friend, who needs your support through one crisis after another.
3. The needy subordinate, who constantly seeks validation and guidance.
4. The angry spouse, who is never satisfied with what you provide.

The key challenge in this type of relationship is that you are committed to it personally, but all too frequently when you engage it feels like it is sucking the life out of you and inside you want to scream or run away. Here are some tips to help you put a stop on the drain and bring some joy back into the interactions.

1.The first thing you need is to protect yourself by knowing your own boundaries.

Ask yourself which behaviors have the most negative impact on you. Is it the long pause and sigh when you suggest that you need to get going? Is it the nervous hovering near your desk without saying anything? Is it the indignant “fine” when you hesitate at a suggestion to do something together? Make a list, and ask yourself, “if these behaviors were eliminated would the relationship be easier"? Try to get a complete list.

2.Understand that the person is behaving this way because they have an unmet need, but your first inclination, which is to do your best to help them out and meet it, actually does NOT help the situation – it makes it worse.

In fact, the more you try to meet the need, the worse the situation will get. You may have experienced even more of a “pull” from the person after a day when you have put an especially large amount of energy into them in hopes that you would get a break for a few days.

3.Not being the sole “source” of meeting their need, does not mean you can’t help them, however.

There are two goals here: one is to help them become aware of their need, and two is to help them find other ways to get the need met – ways that don’t involve you. As soon as they see that they can get the need met, and in places other than through you, the pull and drain you feel from them should diminish.

4.When the person begins to exhibit the draining behavior, ask, “what do you need right now?” or “what do you need from me?” You need to stay neutral in your tone of voice and know in your mind that this is not about you, however accusingly they phrase their answer.

The key problem here is that they are stuck thinking the only person they can get the need met from is you, and they need way more than you can give. They will focus their answer on you, but if you say neutral you can reflect back to them, “so it sounds like you need attention, validation, love, support” (whatever you can pick up from what they are saying). This helps achieve the first goal, so that they become aware of what they need.

5.Say something like, “I care about you, and I can provide you with some attention, (validation, support, whatever), but I will never be able to provide you with ALL that you need. Where else can you get this?”

In this sentence, no matter how they respond to you, they will begin to “get” that they cannot get their need met solely from you. Their brain will immediately begin to look for more sources of getting the need met outside of you. You can help with suggestions as long as the conversation is going well.

All relationships are different, and this “need” thing tends to be behind most of the awkward, uncomfortable, and “reactive” moments in all interactions. So have patience, and keep trying. Overall hold onto a vision of what could be:

1.When the older parent is able to connect with peers and other companions, the focus on you becomes less intense, and then you are able to connect even stronger when you visit because you don’t feel as much drain.
2.When your friend has other people to be dramatic with, you may find that your time together is more fun and real, allowing you to get more out of the relationship as well.
3.When your subordinate begins to validate him or herself, you have the opportunity to build a stronger mentoring relationship without resenting it.
4.When your spouse lets go of needing you to be perfect, you become more perfect to them as you are

Although it is never easy to have difficult conversations, the most important things for you to remember from this article are these:

1.You can never be “the one” to completely meet someone else’s emotional needs; as long as you try, you will feel drained in the relationship.

2.Everyone in this world has to become aware of his or her own needs, and take responsibility for getting them met. Part of this is to be open to receiving the need from many different sources and to actively give it to ourselves. (more on this later)

3.You can make a relationship less draining by helping the person become aware of his or her needs, and begin to think of ways to get the need met that don’t involve you.

Good luck – and if you have questions or requests for more – feel free to ask, and I may develop my answer into the next entry here.

Five ways to Deal with Draining People

Some people drain you, and even if you care about them, it’s difficult to stay focused and productive when you spend too much time with them. Here are a few tips you can use to set boundaries without being hurtful:

1. Get clear on what behaviors they exhibit that drain you. (It may turn out that when you think about it, it’s only when they start gossiping or complaining that you feel the life sucked out of you)

2. Develop a vision for what an ideal relationship with this person would look like to you. (If you had your way would you never talk with them, would you only talk to them for a short time each day?)

3. Identify what behaviors they exhibit that line up with the vision. (Perhaps they are a good listener sometimes, or they entertain you or enlighten you on their good days)

4. "Train” them by reinforcing the positive behaviors. You can do this in many ways, including telling them how much you appreciate it when they do X, focusing on them and paying avid attention when they do X, or simply enjoying being with them during these times.

5. “Train” them by NOT reinforcing the negative behaviors. When they slip into the behaviors that drain you, you can disengage directly or indirectly. If you are comfortable being direct, you can say, “I really don’t feel comfortable when you do this and I’d rather stop this conversation now and talk again some other time”. If you are in a situation where it is difficult to be direct, you can still disengage by not listening, excusing yourself, changing the subject, or simply not responding. The important thing is to not “slip” into unintentionally reinforcing the behavior because you feel obligated to argue, defend, listen, or whatever. These responses from you usually fuel more of the behavior.

6. BONUS: Understand that when people exhibit draining behavior, they are usually experiencing an “unmet need” and they aren’t aware of it. They just feel “compelled” to behave the way they are behaving. They may know at some level that the behavior isn’t appropriate, but in the moment it seems like the only way to feel better. You can ask, “What do you need in this situation?” which will prompt them to think about what they need, and this may shift their awareness and their behavior. It is not your responsibility to try to meet the person’s need – in fact that will just defeat the purpose and probably encourage more of the draining behavior in the future. Just being a mirror and helping someone be more aware of their own needs empowers them.

Tune in next time for some specific examples – like how to deal with the mother who expects you to call her every day, or the boss who micromanages you, or the person at the office who never does his work quite right….