What to do when Nothing is Working

The most frustrating part of working towards a goal are those times when you are trying and trying and trying and not moving anywhere. This can be a scary time because you can lose hope, get exasperated, or wonder seriously if you should give up.

When you find yourself in this situation, you have to both be harder on yourself and kinder to yourself. It sounds contradictory, but what they have in common is awareness.

You have to be harder on yourself:

1. So that you can be really honest about where you have been spending your time. You may be doing things that are comfortable and can easily be rationalized as necessary, but are not the critical actions that will move you toward your goal. Usually I find business owners wrapped up in building a website, handling operations and customer service activities and avoiding sales. Those in job transition are combing the internet for job openings, re-doing their resume, and attending networking events with other job-seekers, but they are not out there finding and introducing themselves to the hiring managers at their target companies.

2. So that you can be really honest with yourself about how consistent you have been over time. I run into people who complain because they haven’t lost weight after one week of following a diet, and have forgotten that for the prior three weeks they were consuming twice as many calories.

You have to be kinder to yourself:

1. Because it takes a lot of energy to make a change and in the beginning you will be drained by everything you put towards your goal. You might not get as much done as you hoped, but if you “re-sort” your priorities and make sure you are addressing your number one priority for at least a small portion of each day, it will get easier, and in a few weeks you should see some progress.

2. Because you are learning and becoming more effective. Every time you shine a light on yourself and observe your own behavior honestly, you gain more personal power. You are no longer a victim to what “happens to you” in the world, because you are discovering how you influence what happens to you, and you are making adjustments.

Keep it up, don’t give up – and if you leave a comment or question, I’ll respond!

Dealing with Fear... OK, Panic!

One of my friends shared a model with me called the PEP, or Panic-Elation-Panic cycle several years ago. If anyone knows who to attribute this to so we can thank them, please share, because I have used it often over the years – almost all of my clients going through big changes have been able to relate to it, and it helped them calm down and move forward when they started panicking. Here’s how it goes:

Panic: I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m crazy! I’m never going to be able to make this work. What was I thinking?
Elation: But OMG I’m DOING this! I’m going after my dream – I’m MAKING it happen – this is SO amazing – and if it works just IMAGINE what life will be like!
Panic: I’m crazy! There’s no way I can do this. What was I thinking?!? I’m not going to be able to make this happen, I’m going to lose everything, and take my family down with me – what was I thinking, (insert your own explicative)!!!

The entire cycle can be experienced in a matter of one or two minutes – it’s that fast, and it feels like you are on an emotional rollercoaster.

The good news: You’re not crazy. Anyone who has the courage to make a BIG change, like starting a new business, changing careers, or anything else that forces you to push outside of your comfort zone will experience the cycle.

The bad news: Fasten your seatbelt – it’s not going away anytime soon.

This is because you simply don’t know what will happen. You don’t have any guarantees. Even if you work really hard you might not succeed. So of course fear is normal.

One of my favorite books about fear is by Susan Jeffers: Fear the Fear and Do it Anyway. I read it ten years ago and there are two key concepts I still remember and use today:

1. The thinking process that drives fear is generally some version of : “If X happens, I won’t be able to handle it” So the anecdote is to force yourself to face the fear and ask yourself, “If X happens, how will I handle it?” What this gives you back is a sense of control and competence. You may not WANT X to happen, but if you have a plan you have some control back, and that lowers the fear.

2. You can’t make a wrong decision. Some people are afraid if they decide to move forward and then end up failing it will be the “wrong decision”. So they don’t move forward since it’s impossible to really know if you will fail or succeed. Susan has a great model in her book that shows how every decision you make can have a positive outcome. For example, if you decide to try starting a business and two years later you find that you’ve lost your money and have to go and get a “real” job, you most likely will still have gained learning, skills, and character – and these traits come with you, whatever you do next.

Fear is a big part of change, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing, and there are ways to manage it. If you’ve been thinking of making a BIG change in your life, don’t let fear hold you back. Bring it up, look at it straight on, and ask yourself, “How will I handle it?”