When you want something TOO much

A few years ago, I was talking to a prospective new client, let’s call her Janelle. We were talking about discovering work she loved, and going through the steps of career transition. During our conversation, I heard her say, “Oh…if this doesn’t work, if I can’t find that one thing I’m passionate about – I think I’ll just die!”

That was my red flag. It told me, unfortunately, that she was TOO attached to finding her passion. SO attached that she was almost guaranteeing that it would never happen. She was sad and lost, and miserable in her work. Somehow she had decided that if she could find “her passion” then that would solve all her problems. She had decided that “finding her passion” was the magic cure, the only cure, and the only path to feeling good again. I knew right then that there was almost nothing I could do with her as a coach unless I could help her detach from “needing” this outcome so desperately – and an emotion that powerful isn’t something that detaches easily.

It’s the desperation that does it. Remember the last time you were desperate in a relationship? The other person was probably running the other way, right? The same thing happens when we are desperate for a job, desperate to lose weight, desperate to make millions, desperate for our kids to get straight A’s, desperate for anything to happen a certain way. Usually it doesn’t happen the way we hoped and dreamed it would – ever. In fact, the few times we are able, against all odds, to obtain what we so desperately want, we are in for a rude shock- the thrill lasts only a few minutes and then we are back in our slump again. We find out sadly that it didn’t change anything.

The only solution is to stop being desperate. But if you’ve ever been in this situation, you probably know, that you can tell yourself to stop being so desperate – and it doesn’t do a darn thing.

This month in the Aspyrre Community, we will be addressing this issue of getting overly attached to an outcome, and provide a step by step process you can use to help detach so you can more effectively achieve your goal. I will be running both an in person workshop and a telephone class with a workbook for those who are not in the immediate area. For more information on these classes, you can go to the aspyrre website at: http://www.aspyrre.com/ and look at our "Upcoming Events" in the center of the home page.

This over attachment cycle is something that can truly drive one mad, and if you can relate, please join us in these enlightening and productive events that give you tangible tools - and some control back.

The Power of Vision

Several years ago, I bought a book called “Think Yourself Thin”. The premise was that all you had to do to lose weight is have a very clear picture of yourself as a thin person in your head and think about it every single night. The author used this method of consistent imagery to lose weight herself and then wrote a book about it.

The concept that she uses of visualizing success is a very powerful tool. It is used by Olympic athletes, professional sales people, and others who want to get to a new level of performance. The most powerful “visions” of success not only provide you with a clear picture of what success looks like, they also evoke strong positive emotions. In this way they channel both your mental and emotional energy towards your goal.

You provide your mind with a clear picture as a place to focus. This triggers your “selective perception,” and you begin to notice information that is relevant to achieving your goal. You may not have noticed this information before, just because your brain didn’t see it as relevant.

At the same time your positive emotions provide you with two additional keys to success: one is that other people respond positively to your emotion, so every interaction you have relative to your goal is more effective. Secondly, the positive emotion generates new energy and motivation, so you are more likely to push outside of your comfort zone and act on whatever you are excited about.

If you are working towards a big goal, one sure way to accelerate your progress is to develop a clear picture in your head of what success looks like and think about it often. Draw it, write about it, talk about it, and “practice” being there already.

Sometimes I have clients tell a story of their vision, and interact in our group as if they had already achieved their goal. It’s a fun exercise with a powerful purpose – to get everyone mentally clear and emotionally “in synch” with what they want to make real in their lives.

Do you have a clear vision of what success will look like once you’ve achieved your BIG goal? If not, spend some time today – even 15 minutes, writing it down. And then spend a few minutes tonight before you fall asleep thinking about it. See if you can do this on a daily basis for a few weeks and monitor what new ideas you get and what new possibilities show up for you.

Good luck and have fun with this!

Resistance to Change

At some point, fairly soon after you start chasing your BIG goal, you will notice that things are not going as easily as you had hoped. You are encountering resistance to change, both from the inside and the outside.

Maybe you have a hard day and fall back into old habits that have helped you decompress in the past.

Or something major happens that throws everything off - like a vacation, friends coming into town, a deadline at work, or even you getting sick. You get distracted and when you come up for air you realize you've put your BIG goal on the back burner.

The important thing to understand is that the resistance itself is completely normal. What makes a difference is not how much resistance you run up against, but what you choose to do about it.

Most people react like this:

1. Notice the resistance
2. Get mad or down on themselves
3. Try to push through it
4. Give up
5. Push things out of their mind for a long period of time before "giving it another go"

This doesn't work very well, simply because the time period between bursts of effort is so long and the bursts of effort themselves are comparably short.

A better way to handle resistance:

1. Notice the resistance
2. Remind yourself that it is normal and refuse to get down on yourself, even if you are not taking action
3. Pay close attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors around the resistance - you may even want to jot them down in a journal
4. See if you notice an inner conflict, negative self talk, or some other pattern
5. Acknowledge what is standing in your way, and see if you can negotiate a deal with yourself so that you are still doing something - even if it isn't as much as what you'd originally hoped.

Awareness is the key here. Most resistance to change comes from three sources:

(1) you run out of energy because you have too much going on in your life

(2) the actions you've set for yourself push you outside of your comfort zone - they make you feel awkward or embarrassed, so you avoid them.

(3) you are missing something that you need to move forward, such as clarity, belief in yourself, important information, etc.

Paying attention to your resistance and being nice to yourself about it will get your brain going. You may discover what you are missing; you may figure out how to make the action steps less awkward; you might discover something you can do in 10 - 15 minutes each day even if you are tired. And, you can keep reminding yourself of what made your BIG goal exciting in the first place.

This is where having a support system can make a HUGE positive difference. A coach, a success team, even one buddy can help you stay on track and focused. If you don't have a support system, and you are going after a big goal, I'd like to invite you to think about the Aspyrre Community as an option.

Meanwhile - don't give up! Getting through periods of resistance is the number one thing that makes a difference between ongoing cycles of failure and long term success. You can do this!

Where could you be with six months of focus?

I'm always asking myself this question. I think it's important because it keeps you proactive. It also makes you painfully aware when the answer keeps repeating itself, that you are NOT moving forward in your life the way you want to be. But that awareness, in itself, can move you forward. So, let's start this blog by asking the question.

As a coach, I have to "practice what I preach", and so I'm always working on some goal or another. My current big "six months of focus" goal is to grow one cool program in my business called the Aspyrre Community. I also have other goals I'm working on, related to exercise, eating right, being a good parent, wife and friend, getting organized, etc. But these goals are more basic in that I know what it takes and it's just a matter of consistency. With my BIG goal I have to push out of my comfort zone, so it requires focus and energy. I don't know how successful I'll be - because BIG goals are always risky.

But one thing I do know is that it's worth the push. When I imagine what this program could look like after six months of solid focus on my part, I get really excited. I will keep you posted on my progress towards my big goal - AND I would like to hear yours as well.

If you could have something be really different in your life after six months, what would it be? If you focused on it for six months, how far might you get?

What would be really exciting?

Think about it - and feel free to share what comes up for you!