Ultimate Confidence - You are Not your Situation

So, I have a confession to make. I just "got" this.

I thought I knew this concept and understood that “you” are not “your situation”. But today, I realized that I still judge myself based on what I have or have not accomplished, what I do and do not do each day – which in my mind results in my situation. So, when my situation is below my standards or expectations, I judge myself as “being” below my standards and expectations.

I often tell my clients they are not their situation – as it’s much easier to see the wonderful people they are as separate from the often challenging and sometimes humiliating situations they find themselves in. But me – well – we are always hardest on ourselves. And when I step on the scale, or notice an unkept area in my house, or see a pathetic bank account balance, I tell myself I should be doing better and that I am not good enough yet.

Today, I decided to practice with the success mindset, “pretending” that I am exactly fine as I am. But then I realized that I usually approach this task by pretending that I have a different situation. That I have accomplished more than I really have in life. I pretend that I’m thinner and more in shape with a bigger bank account living in a fancier house with beautiful landscaping. For some reason THIS is what I think affirmations are – seeing the potential and imagining it as real today.

But if you are not your situation, then why would you have to pretend that your situation is different in order to feel better about yourself?

One problem with this is that if my situation were different, I would make different decisions. If my landscaping was beautiful, for example, I probably wouldn’t choose to go out and do yard work. If my bank account were bigger, then I might choose to purchase something I really shouldn’t purchase now. If I were more in shape, I would be used to exercising at a higher level, and I might have different conflicts about food.

SO, I thought, OK, OK, to make this easier, I will pretend that my current weight IS perfect, that everything I have accomplished to date is AMAZING and I am absolutely where I should be in all areas of my life.

Pretending that was really interesting. And really different. And really powerful. I thought, “Oh so THIS is what 100% self-acceptance feels like!!”

We say all the time that we need to love ourselves before we can truly love others, that we need to accept ourselves 100% in order to be our best. And I think most of us accept this concept intellectually – but I’m curious how many others aren’t actually living it?

If I’m honest I can’t say that I truly live it either – because it’s not easy to stop judging yourself. But today I got a glimpse - a sense of what it feels like. And NOW after that little taste, I’m committed to practicing this mindset until it’s natural.

I will keep you posted on my progress with it – and I would love to hear your experiences as well!!

When you want something TOO much

A few years ago, I was talking to a prospective new client, let’s call her Janelle. We were talking about discovering work she loved, and going through the steps of career transition. During our conversation, I heard her say, “Oh…if this doesn’t work, if I can’t find that one thing I’m passionate about – I think I’ll just die!”

That was my red flag. It told me, unfortunately, that she was TOO attached to finding her passion. SO attached that she was almost guaranteeing that it would never happen. She was sad and lost, and miserable in her work. Somehow she had decided that if she could find “her passion” then that would solve all her problems. She had decided that “finding her passion” was the magic cure, the only cure, and the only path to feeling good again. I knew right then that there was almost nothing I could do with her as a coach unless I could help her detach from “needing” this outcome so desperately – and an emotion that powerful isn’t something that detaches easily.

It’s the desperation that does it. Remember the last time you were desperate in a relationship? The other person was probably running the other way, right? The same thing happens when we are desperate for a job, desperate to lose weight, desperate to make millions, desperate for our kids to get straight A’s, desperate for anything to happen a certain way. Usually it doesn’t happen the way we hoped and dreamed it would – ever. In fact, the few times we are able, against all odds, to obtain what we so desperately want, we are in for a rude shock- the thrill lasts only a few minutes and then we are back in our slump again. We find out sadly that it didn’t change anything.

The only solution is to stop being desperate. But if you’ve ever been in this situation, you probably know, that you can tell yourself to stop being so desperate – and it doesn’t do a darn thing.

This month in the Aspyrre Community, we will be addressing this issue of getting overly attached to an outcome, and provide a step by step process you can use to help detach so you can more effectively achieve your goal. I will be running both an in person workshop and a telephone class with a workbook for those who are not in the immediate area. For more information on these classes, you can go to the aspyrre website at: http://www.aspyrre.com/ and look at our "Upcoming Events" in the center of the home page.

This over attachment cycle is something that can truly drive one mad, and if you can relate, please join us in these enlightening and productive events that give you tangible tools - and some control back.

Resistance to Change

At some point, fairly soon after you start chasing your BIG goal, you will notice that things are not going as easily as you had hoped. You are encountering resistance to change, both from the inside and the outside.

Maybe you have a hard day and fall back into old habits that have helped you decompress in the past.

Or something major happens that throws everything off - like a vacation, friends coming into town, a deadline at work, or even you getting sick. You get distracted and when you come up for air you realize you've put your BIG goal on the back burner.

The important thing to understand is that the resistance itself is completely normal. What makes a difference is not how much resistance you run up against, but what you choose to do about it.

Most people react like this:

1. Notice the resistance
2. Get mad or down on themselves
3. Try to push through it
4. Give up
5. Push things out of their mind for a long period of time before "giving it another go"

This doesn't work very well, simply because the time period between bursts of effort is so long and the bursts of effort themselves are comparably short.

A better way to handle resistance:

1. Notice the resistance
2. Remind yourself that it is normal and refuse to get down on yourself, even if you are not taking action
3. Pay close attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors around the resistance - you may even want to jot them down in a journal
4. See if you notice an inner conflict, negative self talk, or some other pattern
5. Acknowledge what is standing in your way, and see if you can negotiate a deal with yourself so that you are still doing something - even if it isn't as much as what you'd originally hoped.

Awareness is the key here. Most resistance to change comes from three sources:

(1) you run out of energy because you have too much going on in your life

(2) the actions you've set for yourself push you outside of your comfort zone - they make you feel awkward or embarrassed, so you avoid them.

(3) you are missing something that you need to move forward, such as clarity, belief in yourself, important information, etc.

Paying attention to your resistance and being nice to yourself about it will get your brain going. You may discover what you are missing; you may figure out how to make the action steps less awkward; you might discover something you can do in 10 - 15 minutes each day even if you are tired. And, you can keep reminding yourself of what made your BIG goal exciting in the first place.

This is where having a support system can make a HUGE positive difference. A coach, a success team, even one buddy can help you stay on track and focused. If you don't have a support system, and you are going after a big goal, I'd like to invite you to think about the Aspyrre Community as an option.

Meanwhile - don't give up! Getting through periods of resistance is the number one thing that makes a difference between ongoing cycles of failure and long term success. You can do this!

Daily Actions

Today I pulled out my list of daily actions. A daily actions check list is one of those super simple but very powerful tools - kind of like a to-do list. It's not the tool itself that is so amazing - it's how you use it. Some people are overwhelmed by their To Do lists, and those same people might get overwhelmed with a Daily Actions list, but here are some secrets to making the most of the tool:

1. Think of a set of small actions that, if done on a daily basis for a period of several months (or forever) will almost surely lead to success in achieving your goal. For example, you might have a set of 6 "rules" for eating, that if followed on a daily basis, will almost surely get you to your ideal weight.

2. The Daily Actions list builds on the power of habit building. Once a habit is established, it's harder to NOT do it than do it. So if you build habits that naturally move you towards your BIG goals, you end up achieving more with less effort.

3. It will always take a lot of energy to do something before it becomes a habit, so while you are building a new habit, you will have a better chance of success with steps that drain your energy as little as possible. That means your daily actions should not take very long to do, and they should be pretty easy. Think in terms of "baby steps".

4. Building on the baby steps concept, habits are built through frequency and consistency, so whenever you can break something down into smaller, more frequent steps, you will have better success. One example is with exercise. Instead of doing 1 hour three times per week, you may get farther doing (3) 10 minute routines each day.

5. It's better to have fewer daily actions that too many. Keep in mind you can always add more later, once the habit is built. So if you pick 10 or fewer actions to do on a daily basis, and then you do them consistently for 1-2 months, pretty soon they will be so automatic that you will not have to think about them anymore. Then, if you like the daily actions tool, you can replace those actions with new actions and new habits.

My daily actions list has about 15 items on it. I have been using this list since November, and many of the actions are easy habits by now, but others I have struggled with. The ones I struggle with tend to take more time (like walking the dog for two miles - 40 minutes), or tend to occur in the afternoon or evening when I've crossed over into a reactive state, and am out of energy and not thinking as clearly.

But the daily actions list has become somewhat of a habit for me, and it has served me well. The good thing about good habits is that you tend to always "fall" back into them. And so, after a four day hiatus, I have pulled up my list of 15 items, and little by little am checking them off.

What daily habits could you create that would help you achieve your BIG goal?

Where could you be with six months of focus?

I'm always asking myself this question. I think it's important because it keeps you proactive. It also makes you painfully aware when the answer keeps repeating itself, that you are NOT moving forward in your life the way you want to be. But that awareness, in itself, can move you forward. So, let's start this blog by asking the question.

As a coach, I have to "practice what I preach", and so I'm always working on some goal or another. My current big "six months of focus" goal is to grow one cool program in my business called the Aspyrre Community. I also have other goals I'm working on, related to exercise, eating right, being a good parent, wife and friend, getting organized, etc. But these goals are more basic in that I know what it takes and it's just a matter of consistency. With my BIG goal I have to push out of my comfort zone, so it requires focus and energy. I don't know how successful I'll be - because BIG goals are always risky.

But one thing I do know is that it's worth the push. When I imagine what this program could look like after six months of solid focus on my part, I get really excited. I will keep you posted on my progress towards my big goal - AND I would like to hear yours as well.

If you could have something be really different in your life after six months, what would it be? If you focused on it for six months, how far might you get?

What would be really exciting?

Think about it - and feel free to share what comes up for you!